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Weight loss diaries: I hired a personal trainer.

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Hi, it’s me again. Or should I say it’s me, finally!😜. Now, I know I’ve been missing in action for weeks now, well five to be more precise but I’ve got good reasons. The quarantine situation finally got to me and I went into an unexpected hibernation fueled with carbs and Netflix and chill accompanied by my favourite partner in crime namely dear husband. As we speak he looks like an English bulldog and I look like a French bulldog. To prove my point I also might have grown a second chin double chin in the process. To think I was ahead of the pack just a few months ago😒 but I got cocky and slipped (You can read all about it here: How to get back in shape after the holidays: Take One )

By now, I am sure you’ve realized I am the sort of person who knows what to do but simply refuse to do it even if it’s just to save her own waistline. Besides, as a certified Libra nothing gives me more pleasure than telling people how to live their lives while secretly failing at mine 😎😩.

Now rest assured I did not hop online just to talk about my double chin although I’ve hooped online for much worse (read here: Life update) This time, I’ve got news, worthy news! Faced with the prospect of going trough summer looking like a bag of mashed potatoes, yours truly hired a personal trainer. Not an ordinary one. No Sir! I hired those ones that look like a walking demonstration for no pain, no gain. I had my first session yesterday. I came in looking cute and I left looking like I’ve been caught in a tornado. Here is an excerpt of our convo:

Trainer:” Now you’re going to walk for a little while then we’re going to alternate jogging and running”

Me: “Well, I much prefer walking, like I walk 10k a day so…”

Trainer: “OK…well, today we’re going to alternate jogging and running.”

Me: ….😲😞

I took a brief second to remind myself that I am not here to do what I want to do but to get results…

At some point during the workout:

Trainer: “Now we’re going to do pushups.”

Me: Goes down on mat and starts to get into position to perform a girl push up which are my preferred ones by the way. I find the man pushups a bit manly. (Insert chubby girly girl emoji here🩰🎀).

Trainer: ” What are you doing?”

Me: ” A girl pushup…”

Trainer: “Today we’re doing real pushups.”

Me: “Oh…but…ok…”

This morning I was so sore when I woke up. I was this close to believing someone beat me into a pulp in my sleep last night. Did I mention I am keeping her? Yes. She’s definitely worth keeping. since she’s obviously immune to my bull.🙄

We’ll see how that goes. I’ll try and keep you updated on my progress.

Talk to you soon guys! Bisous! 😘🐍

Number one weight loss mistake: Failing to plan for failure

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Today I am back with another article in my weight loss journey. You can read about my last post here (How to get back in shape after the holidays: Take One).

Dear husband is usually shocked at my capacity to plan my life around what I eat. In fact, if you were to ask him about my interests, he’d most likely say: Eating and shopping🙄. The minute I finish supper, I am inquiring about breakfast. Mid-breakfast, I am already worried about lunch. Lunch’s barely over that my mouth’s watering over supper. It’s a never ending story.

“Looking at the way I gorged myself on carbs these past weeks, I am not quite sure whether my goal is to be chubby fit or slim🤦🏽‍♀️. I am most certainly heading towards chubby fit….”

Which brings me to a very important component in a weight loss journey: The cheating pattern. Most people fail because they plan for success but fail to plan for failure. In their head, there’s only room for success so when failure happens they find themselves completely unprepared. They assume they are these great beings blessed with outstanding disciplines.

It’s not enough to say I cheated on my diet. You need to also take a cold look at the circumstances of this cheating and come up with a practical solution for the future to either prevent or diminish such occurrence. What was the situation? Who were you with? what time was it? What happened before? What happened after? what mood were you in? We’re looking for a pattern that usually lead you to cheat. Until you can recognize this pattern, willpower won’t work.

Last week and this week😶 were bad in terms of diet. I ate when I felt low and I ate when I felt happy, I ate when it was cloudy and I ate when it was sunny. I was all over the place. In order to move forward I need t o look at each situation in which I ate bad or overate and find a common thread so I can prepare adequately for these moments and limit them as much as possible.

PATTERN RECOGNITION:

Picture this, it’s Friday morning and right after breakfast.

9:00 am

Me: “Wheat are we going to eat for supper? Let’s get something out and plan.”

Dear husband: “Why so soon? We just ate!!!????”

Me: “True”!

We then each go take care of our respective business up until around 1:00 pm. At that time, we usually have a salad with some form protein. We then go back to our respective to-do lists for the day.

6:00 pm – I make a second attempt at planning something to eat with very little conviction since I myself am already slipping into” let’s-purposefully-forget-to-plan-and-order-something kind of mood”. To which dear husband usually gives a half-hearted answer. Naturally, I don’t insist cause I know what’s coming.

8:00 pm – Dear husband comes upstairs to see what I am doing during which time I express the desire of wanting to eat something…anything. At such time, we both agree we have no energy to cook anything. Dear husband pulls out his phone and suggests something like pizza or Indian food. I then offer a very mild version of resistance to which dear husband fail to even acknowledge.

8:45 pm – Whatever we’ve ordered gets delivered. We take it in the TV room.

The End.

SOLUTION

This type of situation usually happens closer to the weekend, like around Thursday. We are going to plan a menu specific to Fridays and Saturdays. We’ll prepare the menu at the beginning of the week and shop accordingly. Mostly something exciting since we often order out because what we have at home is not exciting enough to get us pumped to eat.

For example, on Friday, we can have burger night and prepare everything from scratch. On Saturday, we could buy a nice piece of veal and have some kind of crock pot with some veggies. This will not only provide us with breakfast for Sunday morning therefore allowing us to avoid binging on croissants but also serve as a base for a few more meals the following week. I believe that’s what most people would call adulting😏.

Since it’s obviously turning into a Serie, I will update you on how we’re doing on that count next week and possibly talk about other pitfalls. In the meantime, take care, stay safe and bisoux!🐍😘

My first YouTube video: Trying new things

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First of all my husband made me do it🙈!

Count yourself lucky, dear followers, because you could have lost a very dear friend over the last few weeks and you wouldn’t even have known it. And Yes this friend is me. I do consider us friend, dear friends who don’t necessarily need to speak or even see each other every day to know that they’re actually very close friends.

So like I was saying, you almost lost me because I published something on the scariest part of the internet…YouTube. Yes! I did my very first YouTube video (which you’ll find below) and that simple act almost killed me.

Actually, I’ve been meaning to start a YouTube channel for a while now but somehow I always chickened out at the last minute. Every time I felt like I was getting close to making a decision I’d tell myself that I am a very private person who will not survive the nosiness of the internet. Which is more than a lie. It’s a God damn lie! The same kind of lies on which entire nations are built and quite probably even the universal declaration of human rights. As if I didn’t already have a blog on the same Internet!🤦🏾‍♀️ Anyways…I put the video for you below🤦🏾‍♀️.

Please be gentle in your judgement, I am a shy person who just happens to enjoy the limelight😎. Sad combination, I know….

If you think I look worried, it’s because I was!

So please, since you know how hard it was for me to even start that YouTube channel in the first place, go and show any form of support you can. Subscribe! Comment! Like! Please, thank you, love you!

How it all started:

A few months ago I started pestering dear husband about him not helping me be the best version of myself that I can be (forgive me, I listen to a lot self development videos🙋🏾‍♂️). I started pestering him about how I felt like as long as I am with him I’ll have to remain this unknown beautiful little creature that could have been somebody (bring in the violins and the pink champagne cause someone’s unhinged). Comforted in the fact that I had blamed my lack of ambition on the usual culprit I went on with my life, just as usual. Which means listening to self development videos and poking around my feelings, as if these were the only actions required to make it in this world.

But somehow, on the last day of Christmas vacation, I had the very bad idea of mentioning YouTube (probably a side effect of constantly flapping my mouth🙄). At this simple, innocent mention, dear husband literally jumped up: “You’re right! Let’s do your first YouTube video!”

Me: Complete resentful silence…

A very dead silence ensued during which I alternated between resentment and gratefulness. Resentment because I was gonna have to finally start that damn YouTube channel and gratefulness because well, deep down, I really wanted to try my hand at it.

So we did it. We recorded my first YouTube video😎. At first, I thought I was just going to drop it on my personal YouTube and completely forget about it until I heard dear husband say: “I just shared your first YouTube video on both my Facebook and yours!”

My reaction: 😱😱😱🤒😤😤🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️

For a brief moment I thought of beating him to death. Only the thought of having to go back to E-harmony, Tinder and such kept me from doing so. Instead, I resolved to blame him for everything that could go wrong in my life from now until the end of time.

Come to think of it, I actually started this blog the very same way. You can read all about it by following this link: The F Files is one year old! / Déjà un an! . The English version closely follows the French version.

So once again: Subscribe, subscribe, subscribe! Comment, comment, comment! Like, like, like! Please, thank you, love you!

In the meantime, stay safe, wear your masks, wash your hands and most importantly kiss your loved ones!

Bisoux😘🐍

Do our dogs behave exactly like us? A dog after my own heart…

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The most beautiful dog on earth according to its owner😉

Whenever me and dear husband have an argument I like to isolate myself until I calm down. That is until dear husband has had time to realize everything is his fault and I am a saint. Which doesn’t really take long considering the man is the only adult in the relationship.

So the other day I was talking to dear husband and he was like: “I think our dog is sulking again🙄”

Me: “Again?! All this dog do is sulk and fart”

Dear husband: “Yeah…Doesn’t that remind you of someone?”

Me: “Well, not really…I mean…”

Dear Husband: “You!”

Me: “Me!? Well, minus the farting part…I hope…”

No answer.

Me: ” I need you to answer this…like you need to reassure me there are more to our marriage than sulking and farting… although I do disown the last part…”

After having a good laugh at my expense he finally answered: ” Of course, honey…”

At this point my ego decided to believe him even though he didn’t look that convinced himself. Sometimes you just got to believe people for your own good, you know…😎.

But all things considered, Rhubarbe is truly a dog after my own heart and personality. We love hard but we sulk just as hard. We don’t hate because it causes wrinkle. We bitch a lot. It’s a way to get the venom out. Other than (all of that😋) we are adorable beings.

You can read more about Rhubarbe here: A new addition to the family

Bisoux and talk soon!😘🐍

How to get back in shape after the holidays: Take One

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Last year right in the middle of quarantine, dear husband and I started limiting our carbs and eating mostly protein and veggies. With that, by mid-October I had already lost close to 18 pounds. I can’t even begin to tell you how proud I was of myself.

“While most everyone around me were crumbling under insane amounts of weight gain with some even growing extra chins in the process; there I was, 15 pounds lighter, walking around like the last man standing. Naturally, what was bound to happen, happened. I became cocky…”

And so disturbingly so I became complacent. I started slipping and not the kind of slipping where you miss a step. No. The kind of slipping where you miss so many steps you can’t even retrace your steps. All this to say; I am back on the getting back in shape bandwagon and it’s not funny. It goes without saying that I am bitter as well 🙄

If I look intelligent, it’s because I am not breathing🤣

So, with that in mind, please allow me to serve as both a warning and a messenger of hope with a few advice to help you stay the course of getting back in shape. A few rules I try to follow whenever I am trying to get back on the weight loss bandwagon:

  1. Start right now! Do not wait for your fridge to be empty or your cook to die so you can be free from temptation. Start now.
  2. Start with exercise or diet? Just start with what’s easiest for you. For me it’s exercise but it does not have to be long. It could be just 20 or 15 or 10 minutes of a fitness video or a simple walk.
  3. Start small and build it up from there. The point is to get into the habit, not having result right away: One good thing I did right before the holidays was that I maintained or at least tried to maintain my exercise routine which was and still remains two sessions of weight lifting twice a week. Because I knew it was gonna be difficult getting back in shape after such a big slip and I didn’t want to find myself not only cleaning up my diet but also trying to get back to a new exercise routine.
  4. Redefine result: When we’re trying to lose weight, we tend to obsess over the scale and lose track of other measures of result. Replace the word result by improvement. Instead of keeping track of weight lost or gained, at first; keep track of improvements. A few other “measures of result” that we don’t often stop to realize are: Having a bit more energy, mood improving, sleep improving, more focus… so enlarge your definition of result. I know it’s difficult because when I first heard of that same thing I was like, who cares if I am sleeping well as long as I am skinny?🙄
  5. Start a journal to keep track of any positive things happening as a result of your new efforts.
  6. Give yourself 6 weeks to start seeing some improvement. Notice I did not say results but improvements. There is a difference.

Next week I will continue with other tips and let you know how I am personally failing at taking my own advice😅 and update you on my getting back in shape journal. If you have any other tips and experience, please comment below. I’d love to hear them!

Bisoux and talk soon:)😘🐍

When we worry about someone, is it really about them or us?

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Rubarbe, our cute little English Bulldog ( A new addition to the family) was scheduled for a surgery last week. Stressful week, I tell you! I was consumed with worry so instead of admitting to myself I was worried sick and maybe help dear husband organize the logistics, yours truly hopped on her favourite soapbox and started re-enacting a very unconvincing version of a calm, keep-it-together-at-all-cost dog mom.😖

Situation number 1: Me; “Oh, look at my poor little doggy walking around with no idea what’s about to happen to her.”😥 Meanwhile poor little doggy is walking around being his ecstatic devilish self chasing the poor cat and literally biting the hell out of the hands that feed her…🙄.

Situation number 2: Me: Poor little doggy…it’s like she knows, you know. She must feel it somehow...” Meanwhile poor little doggy is scarfing down the entire content of her plate and growling because said plate is starting to look empty…probably forgetting she’s actually the one eating it.

Situation number 3: Me talking to little doggy: “Don’t worry mommy will be there to pick you up as soon as it’s over”. Meanwhile little doggy is mercilessly chewing on one of my socks…🙄.

Finally dear husband who’s been listening from the sideline the entire time finally reached the end of his rope and jumped in: “I am confused, are you trying to comfort the dog or yourself?” To which I answered: “To tell you the truth, I am as confused as you.”

As much as I hate to admit it, dear husband was right. I was sick with worry but instead of admitting it to myself and do something constructive I decided to bug little doggy with it. Which makes me wonder: Sometimes when we worry about people, do we worry about ourselves or them? Are we projecting our own worries onto them? Is that a way to show we care without taking any real, tangible action? Is there even such a thing as healthy worrying? Comment below.

To read more about Rubarb: Why my Instagram husband no longer takes my pics

Bisoux and talk soon:)😘🐍

This shopping addiction could be therapy…

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“When I was little, one of my dreams when I grow up was to shop until I faint. I do. I shop and dear husband faints (Once he realizes the amount of stuff, still with the tag on, I’ve got hiding in the back of my closet)“

I don’t know for you but I find shopping incredibly relaxing. Online shopping, that is. It allows me to clear my head, sort of like a mental flossing. Considering I am in a broke period of my life right now, I mostly browse online. There’s actually very little buying involved. Shameful, I know….Of course it would be nice if a black AmEx card could magically appear while I am doing so but, what can you do, eh? It’s clear I was born to suffer😞🤕.

With quarantine helping, my only solace now lies in filling and emptying my cart online either at H&M or Zara. I don’t actually empty the cart myself…someone (a sadist, no doubt) usually ends up buying the item. The way it’s done is just heartbreaking. The bought item appears crossed out but you can still see it.

H&M pleated faux leather skirt in green olive

Which usually sends me into a pity fest of ”why me😞” with pink violins playing in the back. The last time I woke up to find one my fav item crossed out, dear husband walked in on me, probably thinking I’ve just gotten news somebody died:

Dear husband: “What’s going on”?

Me: “Somebody just bought that olive leather skirt I just put away”

Dear husband: “Still buying stuff you don’t need?”

Me: “No, it’s not that. I mean I don’t actually buy them. I just fill my cart…it’s kind of my happy place right now…”

Dear husband looked sincerely relieved. His training is working. I am adulting big time and it’s all thanks to him. He smiles with the satisfaction of one who specializes in training hard-headed fools….😋😎

Dear husband: ” Thought I was your happy place?

Me: ” Not funny, you know. My closet and by extension my life may never feel whole without this skirt.😔”

Dear husband: “Don’t worry. It’ll come back.”

Me: “How do you know?”

Dear husband:” I do it too.”

Shocker! The man actually has a soul. He feels things much deeper than I ever thought he could. Maybe all is not lost after all….

Now if you’re one of those warrior minimalist type, you’re probably thinking to yourself: “Great! Another sick person trying to pass off their addiction as useful!” You’re absolutely right.

What about you, dear friend? (I always feel like I should be wearing a matching set while saying dear), what’s your happy place? If it’s online shopping browsing, Dm me. We could create a Facebook group. We could call it, say, “Broke online browsers anonymous”. What do you say?

Gros bisoux and stalk soon!😘🐍

The problem with finding your “passion”…🙄😣

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“Major sacrifices will be required and we’re not talking blood of lambs here…”

Last week was my birthday and I am conscious I was all over this space singing the praise of gratefulness and the value of counting one’s blessings and I meant it….except…🤦🏾‍♀️. Today I am coming to you with a rant. If you’re beginning to think human beings default mode could be unwavering ungratefulness, you are not alone dear friend.

“Follow your passion and you’ll never work a day in your life”

This is such a load of bull (excuse my bitterness😩). If you look at the real root meaning of the word “passion”, it means : “Suffering, enduring,” from past participle stem of Latin  pati  “to endure, undergo, experience,”…The notion is “that which must be endured.” – Etymonline

“The sad truth is your passion is not going to save you from hard, back-breaking, numbing work. Passion or not you will not escape sacrifices. On the contrary you will have to make even more sacrifices than people who do not insist on skipping to work every day.”

If you think this is depressing wait, there’s even more heartbreaking news coming your way. Hard work is hiding everywhere, even behind this lovely passion of yours so choose carefully; because you won’t be able to work hard on everything all at one.

Most likely while you’re working hard on your passion, your relationships are disintegrating due to neglect. Hard work is most definitely hiding behind this soul mate you think you may have just found; hard work is also hiding behind this new exciting friendship you’re just developing; it’s even hiding behind these beautiful Pinterest inspiration boards (God damn it!). It’s been hiding for decades behind this lovely “boss lady” dripping in brand names and standing in a power pose that could put the incredible hulk to shame(ATTENTION: Stressful, dishevelled nights alone not pictured🙄).

Which is why it’s important to try and prioritize those things that are really important to you and refrain from wanting to win at everything cause the minute you win at something, you lose at something else. You can’t keep all the boats afloat.

So take solace in hard, backbreaking work if you want that passion as much as you say you want it; if you want that relationship as much as you say you want it; if you want those red soles as much as you say you want it; if you want that architectural digest home as much as you say you want it.

Bisoux and talk soon😘

Grateful to be another year older.

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“Gratitude turns what we have into enough.” –

Anonymous

A few days ago (October 10th) I turned 33, I mean 43😋. Oh my, how time flies! Usually at this time of year, when my birthday comes around I’d be depressed, wondering why am I allowed to continue such unaccomplished, failed-to-meet-every-expectation-set-by-my-parents’ life. But this time, something different happened: I got tired of bashing my own damn self; it finally dawn upon me that well, 43 years has passed and another 10 may very well passed and find me still bashing myself for reasons that sometimes don’t even make sense.

“Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” —Robert Brault

What I am about to say may sound cliché to the point of possibly making you puke but clichés do hold a lot of truths. So I realized (I mean I always knew but somehow it never fully clicked until now…) a few things:

I am never going to be as young (and foolish😋) as I am now. Now, later on I might be better, look better but one thing for sure: I’ll never be 43 again.

Of course when you think about it this way I do wonder why in the hell have I not been celebrating all year long instead of waiting to the very end and get all mushy and grateful. But such is the human condition (mom, is that you speaking?🙄); sometimes I think our sole mission on earth as humans is to turn this simple thing called life into something so complex we can barely make it through.

in Dale Carnegie’s book How to make friends and influence people, there’s a chapter titled: Would you take a million for what you have? Whenever I feel a bout of ungratefulness coming up I make it a point to do this little exercise; I ask myself: If somebody were to give me a million for, say my beautiful eyes, would I take it? Would I exchange what I currently have for what I think I may not have or might have missed? Of course not! This simple exercise helps me put things into perspective and realize I have more than enough.

Now I am not sure if I’ll feel the same way once I hit 80! I can only hope to be lucky enough to hit that milestones with a full head of hair, great health and the people I love besides me!

Growing old can be a blessing if don’t insist on being a martyr☺😋

How to get into the best shape of your life and keep the weight off for good

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“Look at it as self-care, something ongoing like brushing your teeth every morning. You don’t brush your teeth for summer and then forget all about them for winter. At least I hope you don’t for your own sake”😉

The face you make weighing yourself on Monday after living it up the entire weekend🙄

A few years ago I started having problems I’ve never had before like digestive problems, overloaded liver, big up and downs in energy, anemia and my fibroids coming back with a vengeance. As usual, I ignored them and continue my lifelong quest of being skinny. But when the body is tired, there’s no ignoring so the hints became stronger and stronger until they could no longer be ignored. This is what forced me into viewing the health of my body in a different way because the old way simply wasn’t working anymore. I still struggle with my old “get skinny at any cost mentality” but I do believe I am getting better. so how do you get into the best shape of your life? My humble take on it below and I am still learning:

Examine the reasoning behind it: The reasons why we do things strongly influence the way we do things.

Back in the days I would lose weight for summer, gain it all back during winter and lose it all again for the upcoming summer except most times I would not necessarily be as successful as the last time and there would always be some kind of residual pounds left. But then again it makes sense when you look at it: If I am only losing weight for summer, it’s only logical that I gain it all back once summer is over, right? But if I am simply caring for my body and giving it what it needs when it needs it, then it becomes not a specific goal for a specific time but simply a way of life.

Change the way you see your body: Instead, see your body as your number one ally in this thing called life

When I was young and careless, I used to think my body was my slave, my bitch literally but as I became more matured, I realized my body is more than this separate entity that needs to fit into specific sizes. Instead, I am starting to see my body more and more as my most prized possession, my number one ally in this thing called life. Consequently, I understand I need to care for it in the gentlest possible way so it can last as long as possible and that made all of the difference. I want to buy clothes that fit my body and not force my body to fit into clothes that does not fit it. I want to be healthy first and foremost even if it means a curvier version of me. I don’t want to be skinny, I want to be fit (Can’t believe I am saying that🙄).  I acknowledge that my body is changing and I need to accommodate it by giving it what it needs. Which means: Proper nutrition, good sleep, rest and relaxation. Believe me, it’s not easy for someone accustomed to the next crazy diet and next crazy exercise (Proof: Workout that delivers: 30 min hit) but I am getting there. Me thinks it finally clicked.

The minute you start viewing your body, your health in this way, you soon realize you don’t have to hop on the next crazy diet. You have time. In fact, you have your entire life to get in the best shape of your life. No stress, no abusing your body.

What about you guys? Would you like to add something to the conversation? Has this quarantine forced you to see caring for your body in any different way? How has your view on health and wellness changed as you’re evolving into a better, more matured version of yourself?