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What if I make it?: Fear of failure or fear of success?

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What if I make it? What if I actually pull this off?

“Most times success is not all Forbes features and taking power poses in expensive suits. It’s not always late nights and heart burns either. There’s joy… somewhere in there…😉”

Back in the days I was sincerely convinced I suffered from fear of failure but as time goes by I came to realize that maybe I suffer more from fear of success instead.

I was full of the sort of knowledge greedily accumulated by people who specializes in fighting from the sideline. People who lives in books and magazines and spend their time perfecting their vision boards wondering why they still haven’t received anything 🙋🙆

Which brings us the real questions: What if I make it. What if I actually succeed at this? What if I actually pull this off? How would my life change? Would it change for better or worse?

Would lazy Sunday mornings be a thing of the past constantly interrupted by work?

Will I still be able to express myself freely without fear of not being “on brand”?

Will I have to constantly keep up? Where does it stop? Will I have to constantly hop on the next opportunity, the next productivity app? The next big thing? The next market trend?

“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.“
Dalai Lama

In my life I’ve been fortunate enough to work first hand with people that are quite successful in their chosen field which means I’ve been lucky enough to have had access to the “behind the scenes” of the supposedly glamorous “boss life”. People seem to forget that at the beginning, the”boss” life is in fact “boss-overworked only-employee”. It does come at a cost. Sometimes at the cost of personal life, family, health or wellness.

Hence this convo with dear husband: We were talking about taking risks, moving up the ladder and making use of every opportunity regardless if ready or not. Here’s a snippet:

Me: “We always idealize the next move up the ladder”

Dear husband: “Yeah you know when you’ve been waiting for that break and it finally comes true; you’re so overwhelmed by doubt you start asking yourself if you can really handle it. In fact, you may even start getting attached to your old life and the way things were 🥴🙄

I think we may have just witnessed a moment of extreme enlightenment brought to us by dear husband. I always thought he was an “Act first and think later kind of guy 🙄”. Well, I suppose I was wrong.

In the end, I suppose nobody starts by telling themselves they’re gonna have to give up a lot and make a lot of sacrifices to live that “boss life”? There’s clearly backbreaking work and a lot of tears and stress involved. I suppose you just have to want it bad enough.

Do you sometimes feel this way?

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Gros bisous😘🐍

We all have that one item of clothing

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Winter is firmly here. It’s been getting so cold so fast here in Montreal I’ve officially abandoned all dignity and desire to look human in the quest for warmth. I now will wear anything provided it’ll keep me warm, I don’t care if I look like a pregnant mouse. Which brings me to that very potent truth: We all have that one piece of clothing which makes us look like crap that we just can’t seem to be able to get rid of. Mine is a green coat. It is so padded, it could serve as an anti-nuclear shelter.

“When I wear that coat in wintertime it’s not unusual for people to offer me their seats in the subway probably thinking of me as a pregnant lady in great need of a seat.”

Every year, at the end of every Winter I swear I am going to donate it to charity. Yet every year, at the beginning of every Winter I gently pull it out of the back of the closet covered in shame and embarrassment. It has now become an inside joke between me and dear husband.

Dear husband: “I see the mattress is back…”

Me: ” Well, it’s just for today….it’s so cold so soon…besides the name has changed.”

Dear husband: “Really?”

Me: “Yeah, really….this entire look is now called the expensive dumpling look.”

Dear husband: “Wait! I have a better name for it!”

He’s so excited to come up with a fun name he doesn’t notice that if looks could kill, he’d be lying on the floor swimming in his own blood already…

Dear husband: “Wait for it: The walking mattress!”

Only the thought of going back to a dating site with the extra weight I’ve gained in the past two years kept me from murdering him…I remained silent for a good while hoping he’ll noticed he’s not exactly winning points here even if I was the one who started the name calling. Finally some sense seemed to have got into him.

Me: ” C’mon don’t be mad! You’re the one who started this??!!!”

Me: “Just because I started it doesn’t mean you have to finish it (Insert overly emotional person on their period emoji here, I’ll wait). Besides, as I told you countless times, this should serve as a signal for you to start showering me with compliments! “

Dear husband: “!!????” Clear signs of system failure showing on his face…

The poor man can’t win, I know. One thing though, there are three people I would not want to meet while wearing this very special piece of clothing: My ex, my ex’s girlfriend and my worst enemy. Why? Because I believe in winning, God damn it! Which is why I usually keep the hood down when I wear it to prevent face recognition.

Lately I’ve been pushed into a more sporty chic vibe in an effort to steer clear of the dumpling look and migrate more towards the healthy spring roll look. Sometimes I succeed. Sometimes I don’t. When my hormones are properly fed I somehow manage to look like a healthy veggie spring roll. But when it’s that time of the month and my hormones are raging I definitely look like a dumpling. I must admit I was never one to sacrifice comfort for pretty. Although my husband would swear the contrary.

What about you dear readers? What is that one item of clothing you hate but somehow keep wearing? Please do share!

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2019!!

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Oh what a year 2018 have been! Lots of changes: Some I personally instigated and some I tried to avoid but which were nonetheless still thrust upon me like a forced, unavoidable cold shower.

As you see from the pic below, I finish the year strong, sound and asleep 🙂

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10 min before the New Year! Courtesy of dear husband who makes it a point to document my every move!

We had family over for Christmas and a very cute visitor ( my mother-in-law’s dog) which needed to be constantly walked. See pic below.

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I had made the mistake during one of our many food coma of promising I would help walk her during the day. Judging from the way I was dressed I thank God none of our neighbors were out that day or I would have certainly lost my “always well dressed” crown. Needless to say I walked her mostly at the back of the house. Unconscious of my fashion dilemma the little rascal kept insisting we go for a walk around the neighborhood.

I am welcoming 2019 with open arms and I am super glad I have made it to the other side.  In 2018 I made a lot of progress in many areas like my writing.  I was able to attend two writing workshops at Quebec Writer’s Federation: One on Dangerous characters and the other one on food writing. I was also able to organize six writing dates with other fellow writers. I want to continue on that path.

As for my novel I realized I didn’t have a first draft but rather a bunch of scenes. This is what happens when you get creative without a plan. Currently reading, Outlining your novel by K. M. Weiland to try and sort through the mess.

The main focus for 2019 will be health, nurturing family and focusing on getting a real first draft of my novel.

In 2019, I will also try and enjoy the ride and not stress too much just like our cat Cleo 🙂

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Bisous and see you next week!

When I don’t feel like writing, I read these quotes:

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Hi peeps just want to share with you a few quotes that have been keeping me sane for the past few weeks: Hope you enjoy them as much as I did and refer to them often. Here we go:

On not feeling like writing and waiting for motivation to kick in, this quote is my all time favorite:

“You are never going to feel like it. Ever.”

Mel Robbins

I used to think if a book is beautifully written, it is automatically guaranteed to be published until I read this quote from Ginnie Sayles

On putting the work necessary to be fulfilled: Pursuing meaningless goals while meticulously avoiding putting in the work in order to find true fulfillment for your true hear’s desire. In other word trying to escape your own good:

“When we are afraid to pursue our true heart desire we hide out from ourselves. We hide out in jobs that are not really who we are and that are not fulfilling. Oh, we may fill up our lives with lots of interesting ‘activities’ and interesting people and we may enjoy all of them on some level but by and large a deeper ‘core’ satisfaction is missing.” Ginnie Sayles, How to write a book in 3 weeks

 

”…Publishers are not in the business of publishing books, they are in the business of making money. The sooner you accept this truth, the less confusion you will have about writing books..” Ginnie Sayles, How to write a book in 3 weeks

It is easy to forget that far more than talent, good writing is a skill that can be developed if you have enough passion for it. At times when I feel I am not skilled enough or good enough a writer and I get discouraged, I read this quote:

…”A book can be brilliantly written but if publishers think it will not sell at a profit, then it will not get published, no matter how beautifully written it is is. Conversely , a mediocre manuscript—-or even a trite one—-that has a good market (people to read it) ready and waiting—will be published immediately. That is because publishing houses have a staff of editors who can whip a mediocre manuscript into shape in no time and sell it. This knowledge should make you feel better! Why? because it means that you do not have to write a masterpiece—which means you can stop prejudging your book as not good enough—-because it does not have to be good enough, just marketable. “

Ginnie Sayles, how to write a book in three weeks

When I need to put failure in perspective:

“…Not taking a a risk is dangerous because we risk never knowing the joy of fulfillment…….Hiding out from ourselves deprives us—and in the end not taking a risk to be who we are is the only true risk, the only failure….”

 

Showing up imperfect: Getting back in the saddle

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“We must not let the perfect be the enemy of the good”

Voltaire

I have been MIA on this blog for quite some time now and I must say getting back in the saddle is definitely not easy…especially after stopping for what feels like ages. Well, 5 months and a few days to be exact. With that being said, there isn’t a day that went by without me missing this space that I have created. There isn’t also a day that went by that I don’t curse myself for starting it in the first place and constantly asking myself why oh why did I have to get involved in blogging (throws hands up in the air, Greek tragedy style)

“It is  better to show up imperfect than to retrieve into an early grave with perfection as the sole companion.”

As a Libra if there’s one thing I do best is study the pros and cons until I lose all motivations to do anything.  I overwhelmed myself by making things more complicated than they should be until I became paralyzed with thoughts of not being good enough. You see, I had managed to convince myself I needed to hit the ground running. I had forgotten that nobody truly hits the ground running and that baby steps matters. Instead of keeping track of my progress, I kept track of my shortcomings. A true recipe for disaster. As time passed I couldn’t bring myself to get back in the saddle but I couldn’t bring myself to quit either. It was like being frozen between heaven and hell. Naturally, once I’ve driven my husband to the brink of suicide I suddenly come to a “realization” which in my language means I have a melt-down usually scheduled around the time dear husband is trying to relax after a 60+ hour work week ( I truly married my soulmate…). While it is not easy to maintain this blog, I have discovered during these past few months that it is even more painful not to.  Dear husband has truly been instrumental during these few months of absence gently and relentlessly coaxing me into action. Not a day goes by without me thanking God for him.

So  for what it’s worth, I am back and hopefully for good 🙂 One thing I know for sure: It’s  better to show up imperfect than to retrieve into an early grave with perfection as the sole companion.

Thanks for passing by 🙂

Interview with the vampire: Eternal life ain’t shit!

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“If life’s a bitch, eternal life is a three-headed shape-shifting hungry bitch, and these vampires are here to prove it!”

First of all I just want to say I really really enjoyed interview with a vampire. I was reluctant to read it at first considering I had already watched the movie and loved it very much so why read the book when I already know the high points, right? So I said to myself I’ll read it in due time. That due time came in the form of dear husband first granting me a copy of said book and then nagging me every single time his eyes fell on said copy lying around.

And you know what? I am glad I did because boy these vampires are a mess! Naturally there is nothing I like more than a big mess to roll around in and analyze.

The title of the book alone is quite arresting. I mean the opportunity to Interview a vampire?  I suppose it would be exceedingly cool to a journalist. But let’s say I am just me…a normal human being who is very keen on staying alive and also a big coward…..would I still go? I think I would…yeah, I definitely would. I’d probably need to marinate in a mixture of garlic and holy water the night before, just in case. Hubby would also need to be nearby although if it’s Brad Pitt he can take the night off 🙂 And I am not even the bravest person around just to show you how enticing the whole idea is. 

“The world changes, we do not, therein lies the irony that kills us.”

From the start I was almost mesmerized by these vampires tribulations. This isn’t a vampire horror-type story. It is basically the story of life.  And death.  A story of redemption and perversion. Of good and evil and so much more. But the lines are blurred…terribly blurred. So blurred that you are sort forced to construct your own truth or at the very least come up with your own version of things. What is good? What is evil? Is there a God? Does love justify everything? How do you look at things with fresh eyes when well, you have truly seen it all. What makes life worthwhile? What makes human life precious? Is it the thought of losing it? Do we change? Can people change?

“Let the flesh instruct the mind”

At times it became the story of my life when I witnessed Louis wrestle with what he has become versus what he was or could have been but surprisingly Louis wasn’t my favorite either. I found him whiny. Always trying to look like the good guy. I was like relax you’re a vampire, nobody trusts you anyways. But if I am to be honest with myself there is a deeper reason why I just couldn’t fully like Louis. He reminds me of that part of myself that I am constantly trying to change. The part that never seems to be able to enjoy the now. Joy is always to be found in either the past or a seemingly glorious future. The do-gooder, the model child, model wife, model citizen part of me. I was so invested in these characters that at various points in the story I found myself wanting to bring a cup of warm milk to Louis and invite Armand for super. I also started imagining what a night out with Lestat would feel like (I told you I was invested). I am quite sure he would have entry to all the cool clubs and such. Of them all, I felt like Lestat made the most of his condition so far. Well, at least he tried and I admire him for that.

So many contradictions. So many emotions. What about Claudia? I mean being forced to walk the earth inside the body of a child when you’re probably old enough to be a grandmother? How cruel that? If I were Claudia I’d definitely have mixed feelings about my maker. I envy and pity them all at the same time.

I enjoyed Armand thoughts about handling change and staying relevant. According to him there are vampires who are so afraid of change that they literally become mummified in a certain time period. They sport the same clothes over and over and entertain the same thoughts over and over without allowing the passing of time any kind of influence on their behaviors. I don’t think it is because they refuse to change. At least it is only a mere part of the equation. Instead, I think at some point, once you become more and more acquainted with yourself there comes a strong need to anchor yourself and being able to stay “this is who I am and that’s that”. Of course, there’s always the danger of looking like Mary Poppins when most people are now wearing star wars type of clothing. But hey at some point you’ve got to chose, right? Anyways I’d probably be the only vampire walking around naked because she can’t decide what to wear 🙂

“Don’t you see? I’m not the spirit of any age. I’m at odds with everything and always have been! I have never belonged anywhere with anyone at any time!” 

I started asking myself all types of questions. For example, if I were to become a vampire who would I turn first into a vampire? My niece? My husband? These are the two people dearest to me in the entire world. I think maybe my husband. Why? Well, our wedding vows said: “Till death do us part” and I ain’t dead, aren’t? Plus somebody has to brave the sun😊 while I am having my beauty sleep. If I were given the opportunity who would I play? I’d probably want to play Armand (wise, annoying and slightly stuck up) provided the casting crew doesn’t just take one look at me and cast me as Louis. Story of my life 😦

The synergy between the characters is amazing. Louis is always questioning. Lestat is living it up and Armand is reflecting. It allows you to experience the story on so many different levels.  

Now dear readers, I’d love to hear your thoughts on the following questions: Would you go if you were given the opportunity to interview a vampire? Who’s your favorite character and why? Who’s your least favorite character and why? Who would you turn first into a vampire if you yourself were to become a vampire? Feel free to also add some more questions to the list!

As for turning my niece into a vampire if I ever become one? The jury is still out…

Thank you for passing by and if you enjoy this article please feel free to like, comment or share! Next time I’ll tell you about my 2017 goals and see if I have achieved any of those goals or if I am, at the very least, on the verge of accomplishing some of them any time soon… so stay tuned!

Life update no. 1

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Now that we’ve moved and are starting to settle down a bit, I thought I’d tell you guys how life has been so far! We went from downtown to the suburbs and it is quite a change.

I can now safely say that I am officially a Lavalois! In fact, I was at the Montmorency bus station the other day and this young guy approached me and asked which bus to take to go to a place I did not even know existed. Still thinking as a true downtown person, I told him that I had no idea and he gave me the strangest look. As I was getting a seat to wait for my bus I started thinking about the whole thing. Then it hit me! Do I already have it…you know the look of a suburbian? It is either that or I portray such an outstanding air of self-confidence that the young man felt compelled to ask me for directions. Being a self-loving person I chose the second option. It could also be that I looked so pretty that he was just looking for an excuse to talk to me. Which actually could be the most logical answer because let’s face it, I am indeed very pretty (and delusional which is essential to a happy and fulfilling life). When I read the name of  the bus I was going to take I sincerely felt like I was being forced out of town by a long time enemy .

But all in all life is pretty good! The house is super nice, spacious and well lit with a decidedly cozy feel to it. The whole neighborhood is encrusted in a very tiny forest which gives the impression that you’re out of town. Quite lovely really! I think I am slowly falling in love. Our backyard alone must have something like 5 or 6 trees with at least 4 big ones. I usually take my morning coffee in the backyard which has recently become one of the top hide and seek place for the neighborhood squirrels. I am so so happy with our choice. A couple of weeks ago we even had a wild turkey in our backyard!!!! Although I remained safely inside it was quite a moving experience to watch my fiancé run after the turkey to take pictures. The poor turkey looked bitter. Freedom is definitely not that glamorous. I supposed getting selfied left and right by overzealous strangers with zero treat in the process must be really discouraging. I know in its place I would feel like killing someone! Anyways…that’s it for the update. Talk soon!

Tranche de vie no. 1

Cela fait un petit bout que l’on ne s’est parlé sur ce blog. Je pense qu’un life update est de mise. Alors comme vous le savez déjà, moi et mon chéri adoré on a récemment déménagé du centre ville à la banlieue. Tout un changement ! A ce sujet, l’autre jour, j’étais en train d’attendre pour le bus à Laval quand un jeune homme m’approcha pour me demander des infos sur l’autobus à prendre pour aller à un endroit que franchement je ne savais pas existait. J’étais pour le moins surprise car les gens me demandent rarement leur chemin. Je lui répondis que je n’avais absolument aucune idée! Il avait l’air aussi surpris que moi ! C’est comme s’il s’attendait à ce que je sache. Du coup, je retournai m’asseoir à la cabine de bus et me mis à réfléchir.  Aurais-je donc déjà perdu le look de mannequin africaine entre deux contrats qui respire le béton et les grattes-ciels? Faut dire que les quelques livres que j’ai prises (un nombre que je n’ose pas nommer) et le fait d’avoir laisser pousser mes cheveux n’aident pas. Mais comme je suis une personne qui a une fixation sur sa propre petite personne, j’ai choisi de penser qu’il a juste été ébloui par ma jolie personne et a par conséquent utilisé n’importe quelle excuse pour m’approcher! La tentation était quand même forte de l’approcher encore une fois et de lui indiquer un bus qui partait pour le pôle nord…vu qu’il m’a fait me remettre en question durant un bref instant…mais j’ai résisté et me suis rappelé que j’étais une belle et gentille personne.

Pour ce qui est de la maison, je suis tellement ravie du choix que l’on a fait. Notre quartier est entouré d’un petit bois dense, ce qui donne plutôt un air douillet à tout l’ensemble. Je commence à prendre l’habitude de déguster mon café du matin dans la cour arrière avec en bruit de fond les écureuils jouant à cache-cache. C’est cute à mort! Il y a de cela quelques semaines, mon copain a même pu prendre en photo une dinde qui se promenait dans la cour. Bien entendu, je suis resté sagement derrière la baie vitrée à regarder mon copain courir après la dinde pour la prendre en photo. J’ai tenu mes distances parce que non seulement la dinde avait l’air confuse mais aussi furieuse, comme quelqu’un à qui on aurait indiqué le mauvais bus. Elle avait aussi l’air désabusé par sa soudaine liberté. J’imagine que quand on se fait prendre en photo constamment par des étrangers gesticulants sans signe de gâteries à l’horizon cela doit être super décourageant! En tout cas moi à sa place, j’aurais été non seulement découragée mais enragée ! Ce qui explique ma décision de l’admirer de loin. Bon, sur ce, à la prochaine!

Gaining weight may be a good thing for your relationship!

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Eight months after moving in with my now future husband, I started gaining weight slowly. I mentioned this to a few of my colleagues at work and suddenly one of my male colleagues approached me, grabbed my hands and said:

  • Congratulations! You’re set! You are officially a couple now!
  • I took a brief moment to question his sanity than I said: Well, Clark, we’ve been together for some time now, so we are already a REAL couple.
  • Yes, he said, but now you guys are starting to relax in the relationship; you know you’re not going anywhere so…you’re getting fat!
  • Oh, I said shocked. It is interesting…well….
  • Just make sure you’re not the only one gaining weight though, he continued.
  • Oh! Ok…what will happen if I am the only one to gain weight?
  • Well, you may have to update your profile on E-Harmony and ok Cupid!
  • But what if he refused to gain weight?
  • Then you have to force-feed him like they do the ducks to get foie gras, he said jokingly.

We all started laughing! Needless to say that I was on a mission, the next morning, bright and early me and my boyfriend miraculously found ourselves standing in front of the scale so we had no choice but to weigh ourselves. Low and behold! Not only had he gained weight but he also gained a tiny bit more than me. Which I immediately interpreted as a sign of not only his undying devotion but also a sizable wedding ring in my future.

Everything is a question of perspective! All of a sudden instead of thinking fat, I was thinking wedding ring!

Have you guys experienced a similar thing during your relationship?  Please share!

Prendre du poids peut être une bonne chose pour votre couple!

Huit mois après avoir emménagé avec mon copain, j’étais au travail et je papotais avec un de mes collègues et j’ai mentionné qu’il fallait que je me mette au régime car moi et mon copain on avait commencé à prendre du poids. Soudain, un de mes collègues masculins d’un certain âge s’est brusquement retourné et m’a fait la remarque suivante :

  • Félicitations ! vous êtes maintenant un VRAI couple !
  • Ah bon! j’ai répondu. Mais Clark (nom fictif) je lui ai dit en le regardant avec un regard de commisération comme pour quelqu’un souffrant de grosse fièvre, Ca fait presque un an qu’on est un couple, maintenant.
  • Vous avez commencé à prendre du poids quand dans le couple ? répondit-il sans flancher
  • Euh, il y a peut être 3 mois lui répondis-je intriguée.
  • La relation est donc devenue sérieuse! c’est une étape nécessaire. Cela prouve que vous n’avez aucune intention d’aller voir ailleurs par conséquent, vous laisser pousser la bedaine.
  • Ah ! ai-je répondu un peu choquée. Dans ce cas, je peux commencer à m’hydrater les phalanges en prévision de la bague qui ne tardera point ?
  • Assure toi juste que lui aussi a pris au moins autant de poids que toi, sinon plus.
  • Euh, Ok, sinon qu’est ce que je fais s’il refuse de prendre du poids, lui ai-je demandé ?
  • Ben tu commences à le nourrir de force comme on fait avec les oies pour le foie gras !

Et on a tous éclaté de rire. Je pense que l’idée n’est pas bête considérant que cela faisait plus de 20 ans que le collègue en question était marié et qu’il avait même des petits enfants!

Suite à la conversation, le lendemain, sitôt le soleil levé, sous un prétexte bizarre et par un grand hasard de circonstances, on s’est moi et mon copain, tous les deux retrouvés sur la balance a tout de rôle et miracle (merci mon dieu) !  Mon copain avait non seulement pris du poids mais il en avait pris un tout petit peu plus que moi (étant homme il perd beaucoup plus rapidement aussi mais bon a win is a win!).

Du coup, j’ai relaxé…j’ai tellement relaxé que 30 livres plus tard je suis  maintenant en train de pédaler comme un rat de laboratoire pour m’en débarrasser à l’approche imminent du mariage.

Avez-vous vécu quelque chose de similaire dans votre relation ? Ou trouvez-vous que l’idée est tout simplement bête?

Be kind to everyone…

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Years ago I read this quote somewhere:

“Be kind to everyone you meet for they may be fighting a battle..

I always try to keep that in mind in my personal contact with people as you may never know how much of an impact your word or act of kindness may have on someone. Now that is not always easy as we are all human and therefore imperfect. Most often, when faced with extremely agressive people, the common reflex is to naturally double our own aggressiveness. I have been guilty of that as well but as get to know myself, I have come to realize that this is not who I want to be.

It is clear that there is no excuse for being unkind or simply plain mean but in my experience the person guilty of such behavior is usually suffering more than you know and being unkind or mean may simply be an expression of their pain. Personally I always try not to take things personally…but then again we each have their own way of dealing with things.

So, at the risk of sounding like a reincarnation of mother Theresa, Be Kind…if not, well, you’re only human!