Weight loss diaries: I hired a personal trainer.

Hi, it’s me again. Or should I say it’s me, finally!😜. Now, I know I’ve been missing in action for weeks now, well five to be more precise but I’ve got good reasons. The quarantine situation finally got to me and I went into an unexpected hibernation fueled with carbs and Netflix and chill accompanied by my favourite partner in crime namely dear husband. As we speak he looks like an English bulldog and I look like a French bulldog. To prove my point I also might have grown a second chin double chin in the process. To think I was ahead of the pack just a few months ago😒 but I got cocky and slipped (You can read all about it here: How to get back in shape after the holidays: Take One )

By now, I am sure you’ve realized I am the sort of person who knows what to do but simply refuse to do it even if it’s just to save her own waistline. Besides, as a certified Libra nothing gives me more pleasure than telling people how to live their lives while secretly failing at mine 😎😩.

Now rest assured I did not hop online just to talk about my double chin although I’ve hooped online for much worse (read here: Life update) This time, I’ve got news, worthy news! Faced with the prospect of going trough summer looking like a bag of mashed potatoes, yours truly hired a personal trainer. Not an ordinary one. No Sir! I hired those ones that look like a walking demonstration for no pain, no gain. I had my first session yesterday. I came in looking cute and I left looking like I’ve been caught in a tornado. Here is an excerpt of our convo:

Trainer:” Now you’re going to walk for a little while then we’re going to alternate jogging and running”

Me: “Well, I much prefer walking, like I walk 10k a day so…”

Trainer: “OK…well, today we’re going to alternate jogging and running.”

Me: ….😲😞

I took a brief second to remind myself that I am not here to do what I want to do but to get results…

At some point during the workout:

Trainer: “Now we’re going to do pushups.”

Me: Goes down on mat and starts to get into position to perform a girl push up which are my preferred ones by the way. I find the man pushups a bit manly. (Insert chubby girly girl emoji here🩰🎀).

Trainer: ” What are you doing?”

Me: ” A girl pushup…”

Trainer: “Today we’re doing real pushups.”

Me: “Oh…but…ok…”

This morning I was so sore when I woke up. I was this close to believing someone beat me into a pulp in my sleep last night. Did I mention I am keeping her? Yes. She’s definitely worth keeping. since she’s obviously immune to my bull.🙄

We’ll see how that goes. I’ll try and keep you updated on my progress.

Talk to you soon guys! Bisous! 😘🐍

Weight loss diaries: Forever trying to lose weight

In life, there are times when you’re gonna be as skinny as a celery stick and times when you’re gonna be as fat as a sack of mashed potatoes🤦🏾‍♀️. Get used to both cause starting over is the name of the game.

The other day, I caught myself being pissed at myself (breaking news😂). It seems every year I find myself trying to lose 5-10 Pds either because I am skinny and ungrateful (never skinny enough which can be a disease in itself😩) or fat and delusional (surprisingly when I am really fat that’s when I think I have the least amount of weight to lose🙄). Sometimes I feel like I spend my time fighting petty diet stuff in my head all day long.

Hence, this excerpt of a convo I’ve had with myself so many times it’s not even funny anymore:

Husband makes homemade hamburger buns and instead of saying “Thank you” and enjoying said burgers here I am once again going around in circle in my mind:

Lower self: “I am going to eat two burgers. I am starving!”

Higher self: “Eat two but take one as an open bun. Less carb...”

Lower self: “You don’t have to do that, it’s homemade. Take two full buns.”

Higher Self: “You’ve been gorging on carbs for two days now on the account of it being homemade.”

Lower Self: “Life is short, Covid have thought us that much so take two buns and add some chips while you’re at it.”

Higher Self: “Ok, so now we’re adding chips too?

Lower Self: “They’re air -fried sweet potato and yucca chips, you fool! Doesn’t get better than that.”

Higher Self: “Fine! Eat them you weak thing! Just don’t come crying to me when Summer hits and you’re looking 3 months pregnant.”

Lower Self: “Shut up you pessimistic bully! She can always google how to dress a pregnant belly when not pregnant.”

ME: 😲😲😲😲😲🤕

And just in case you’re wondering how that ended, just know I ate the two full bun burgers plus the chips and some desert. To tell you the truth I felt like I deserved it after that intense session of self-flagellation.

Now, what’s the point of this story you may ask: Well, there are two points to this story:

  1. First one is to make myself feel better for using “homemade” as an excuse to overeat.
  2. Second one is to tell you, in case you’ve been lately incline to do so yourself , that it’s a long road and there’s not point beating yourself to a pulp with the celery stick. The goal is to be happy and fit not a miserable dry pepperoni. Nobody has ever accomplished anything by beating themselves up. It’s a work in progress( I should probably record that last bit and keep it close by for when I am having a bad day🙋🏾‍♀️)

Plus, like I tell myself all the time: At the very least, it’s homemade!

Naturally I would be a hypocrite if I did not mentioned the extra pounds are gonna be “home-gained” as well…at the very least😉😋

Favourite at-home workouts to lose fat fast: Results guaranteed after 10 workouts

Hi everyone, I am very thankful for all the love on my last post: (How to get back in shape after the holidays: Take One ). Thank you and welcome to all of my new subscribers!😘🥰

Like I said in the last post, you need to start with what’s easiest whether it’s exercise or diet. For me it’s exercise. So in that sense, let me introduce you to the Firm workouts. I want to talk about the old ones from the 80’s and 90’s, specifically the Firm classics. This series of workouts are usually a combination of cardio, weight lifting and simple but effective body weight exercises.

Fair warning: Book a bed and a nurse for the next two days before you try any of these workouts.”😩

I first encountered the firm classics at a second hand shop where I casually grabbed one of the VHS thinking to myself: “Dear Lord! This must be one of those soft porn exercise videos where naturally skinny women spend their time breathing in and out of ridiculous poses pretending to workout while barely breaking a sweat.”🤦🏾‍♀️ I confessed I picked this one up for two reasons: First, it promised results after 10 workouts and second it was only 0.99 cents. I also found it refreshing to see women looking lean but feminine and not like they’re trying to compete with the incredible hulk.🙄

I told myself I’d do the VHS over the weekend at get a good laugh at the very least. And laugh, I did but not the nice belly laugh of righteousness I was expecting but the kind of embarrassing laugh you give when you’re too ashamed to admit defeat so you keep going even if you know there’s a strong possibility you may be bedridden for life.

Number one: The firm body sculping Basics with Susan Harris: The one that started it all for me!

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I was shocked at the intensity of these workouts. I was also pissed at the smiling ladies in bright outfits acting like they were on a picnic and making it seem like a breeze while it was clearly not😤. One thing for sure, they were not lying when they say results guaranteed after 10 workouts. You may not be able to walk or sit properly but you will get results if you keep at it. And that’s all that matters, right?

PROS:

  1. Results guaranteed after 10 workouts.
  2. Moves are simple and straight forward. None of that “jump and land on your head” type of move you often see in certain workout videos🙄. If you know how to walk, you can do these workouts.
  3. You can grow with these workouts. As you become more efficient you can add more weights so you’re never bored.
  4. You’ll work major muscle groups to failure. Before the firm, I had no idea what “muscle failure” meant. It means you essentially work your muscles until it feels like someone is literally pouring liquid fire on them.

Naturally, since I now know what to expect, I have to psych myself every time I am about to work out.🤷🏾‍♀️

CONS:

You won’t like doing them.

The Firm Parts Standing legs:

This one focuses on the lower body. And as if it’s even possible it’s even harder than the volume one with Susan Harris🙄 (in my humble opinion). Although the body weight segment in the Volume One is not for the faint of the heart. After doing this one, you’ll feel muscle you don’t even have!

The firm classic low impact aerobics vol. 2 with Janet Jones:

Don’t let the pretty face fool you! You’ll sweat and swear equally but you’ll be happy you did afterwards.

Classic Firm: Aerobic workout with weights with Sandhal Bergman. I believe this is the one where they introduced the “Fanny lifter” which is supposed to give you the hips of a race horse and who wouldn’t want that?😛

That’s it for my favourite workout DVDs; thank me later! Actually no, thank me now since there’s a good chance you may not want to speak to me again after doing either the standing legs or the vol. one.😅

If you’ve tried any of these workouts or are planning on trying them; if you have any other workouts you’re using that you love, please drop a comment below and let me know. I’d love to hear about them!

If you’d like to read about other type of workouts I’ve talked about on this blog, you can also check out this post: ( Workout that delivers: 30 min hit )

Bisoux😘🐍

Number one weight loss mistake: Failing to plan for failure

Today I am back with another article in my weight loss journey. You can read about my last post here (How to get back in shape after the holidays: Take One).

Dear husband is usually shocked at my capacity to plan my life around what I eat. In fact, if you were to ask him about my interests, he’d most likely say: Eating and shopping🙄. The minute I finish supper, I am inquiring about breakfast. Mid-breakfast, I am already worried about lunch. Lunch’s barely over that my mouth’s watering over supper. It’s a never ending story.

“Looking at the way I gorged myself on carbs these past weeks, I am not quite sure whether my goal is to be chubby fit or slim🤦🏽‍♀️. I am most certainly heading towards chubby fit….”

Which brings me to a very important component in a weight loss journey: The cheating pattern. Most people fail because they plan for success but fail to plan for failure. In their head, there’s only room for success so when failure happens they find themselves completely unprepared. They assume they are these great beings blessed with outstanding disciplines.

It’s not enough to say I cheated on my diet. You need to also take a cold look at the circumstances of this cheating and come up with a practical solution for the future to either prevent or diminish such occurrence. What was the situation? Who were you with? what time was it? What happened before? What happened after? what mood were you in? We’re looking for a pattern that usually lead you to cheat. Until you can recognize this pattern, willpower won’t work.

Last week and this week😶 were bad in terms of diet. I ate when I felt low and I ate when I felt happy, I ate when it was cloudy and I ate when it was sunny. I was all over the place. In order to move forward I need t o look at each situation in which I ate bad or overate and find a common thread so I can prepare adequately for these moments and limit them as much as possible.

PATTERN RECOGNITION:

Picture this, it’s Friday morning and right after breakfast.

9:00 am

Me: “Wheat are we going to eat for supper? Let’s get something out and plan.”

Dear husband: “Why so soon? We just ate!!!????”

Me: “True”!

We then each go take care of our respective business up until around 1:00 pm. At that time, we usually have a salad with some form protein. We then go back to our respective to-do lists for the day.

6:00 pm – I make a second attempt at planning something to eat with very little conviction since I myself am already slipping into” let’s-purposefully-forget-to-plan-and-order-something kind of mood”. To which dear husband usually gives a half-hearted answer. Naturally, I don’t insist cause I know what’s coming.

8:00 pm – Dear husband comes upstairs to see what I am doing during which time I express the desire of wanting to eat something…anything. At such time, we both agree we have no energy to cook anything. Dear husband pulls out his phone and suggests something like pizza or Indian food. I then offer a very mild version of resistance to which dear husband fail to even acknowledge.

8:45 pm – Whatever we’ve ordered gets delivered. We take it in the TV room.

The End.

SOLUTION

This type of situation usually happens closer to the weekend, like around Thursday. We are going to plan a menu specific to Fridays and Saturdays. We’ll prepare the menu at the beginning of the week and shop accordingly. Mostly something exciting since we often order out because what we have at home is not exciting enough to get us pumped to eat.

For example, on Friday, we can have burger night and prepare everything from scratch. On Saturday, we could buy a nice piece of veal and have some kind of crock pot with some veggies. This will not only provide us with breakfast for Sunday morning therefore allowing us to avoid binging on croissants but also serve as a base for a few more meals the following week. I believe that’s what most people would call adulting😏.

Since it’s obviously turning into a Serie, I will update you on how we’re doing on that count next week and possibly talk about other pitfalls. In the meantime, take care, stay safe and bisoux!🐍😘

My first YouTube video: Trying new things

First of all my husband made me do it🙈!

Count yourself lucky, dear followers, because you could have lost a very dear friend over the last few weeks and you wouldn’t even have known it. And Yes this friend is me. I do consider us friend, dear friends who don’t necessarily need to speak or even see each other every day to know that they’re actually very close friends.

So like I was saying, you almost lost me because I published something on the scariest part of the internet…YouTube. Yes! I did my very first YouTube video (which you’ll find below) and that simple act almost killed me.

Actually, I’ve been meaning to start a YouTube channel for a while now but somehow I always chickened out at the last minute. Every time I felt like I was getting close to making a decision I’d tell myself that I am a very private person who will not survive the nosiness of the internet. Which is more than a lie. It’s a God damn lie! The same kind of lies on which entire nations are built and quite probably even the universal declaration of human rights. As if I didn’t already have a blog on the same Internet!🤦🏾‍♀️ Anyways…I put the video for you below🤦🏾‍♀️.

Please be gentle in your judgement, I am a shy person who just happens to enjoy the limelight😎. Sad combination, I know….

If you think I look worried, it’s because I was!

So please, since you know how hard it was for me to even start that YouTube channel in the first place, go and show any form of support you can. Subscribe! Comment! Like! Please, thank you, love you!

How it all started:

A few months ago I started pestering dear husband about him not helping me be the best version of myself that I can be (forgive me, I listen to a lot self development videos🙋🏾‍♂️). I started pestering him about how I felt like as long as I am with him I’ll have to remain this unknown beautiful little creature that could have been somebody (bring in the violins and the pink champagne cause someone’s unhinged). Comforted in the fact that I had blamed my lack of ambition on the usual culprit I went on with my life, just as usual. Which means listening to self development videos and poking around my feelings, as if these were the only actions required to make it in this world.

But somehow, on the last day of Christmas vacation, I had the very bad idea of mentioning YouTube (probably a side effect of constantly flapping my mouth🙄). At this simple, innocent mention, dear husband literally jumped up: “You’re right! Let’s do your first YouTube video!”

Me: Complete resentful silence…

A very dead silence ensued during which I alternated between resentment and gratefulness. Resentment because I was gonna have to finally start that damn YouTube channel and gratefulness because well, deep down, I really wanted to try my hand at it.

So we did it. We recorded my first YouTube video😎. At first, I thought I was just going to drop it on my personal YouTube and completely forget about it until I heard dear husband say: “I just shared your first YouTube video on both my Facebook and yours!”

My reaction: 😱😱😱🤒😤😤🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️

For a brief moment I thought of beating him to death. Only the thought of having to go back to E-harmony, Tinder and such kept me from doing so. Instead, I resolved to blame him for everything that could go wrong in my life from now until the end of time.

Come to think of it, I actually started this blog the very same way. You can read all about it by following this link: The F Files is one year old! / Déjà un an! . The English version closely follows the French version.

So once again: Subscribe, subscribe, subscribe! Comment, comment, comment! Like, like, like! Please, thank you, love you!

In the meantime, stay safe, wear your masks, wash your hands and most importantly kiss your loved ones!

Bisoux😘🐍

A YEAR OF NO GOAL: HAPPY NEW YEAR 2021

I don’t know if anyone else noticed but as soon as we check something of our list of things to achieve, we tend to lose interest in that thing. We become complacent, as if that thing has now become a birthright of some sort”...

2021 is here and I find myself being truly grateful. At the same time I won’t lie, I am exhausted. Usually I would hop on the goal setting bandwagon and plan my heart away only to spend the rest of the year running in circle but this year I want to do something different: No goal setting.

In our world, life is often viewed through an accomplishment lens. We check things of our lists as if there was a finite quality to them.

Marriage (check)

Children (check)

Promotion (Check)

House (check)

I don’t know if you’ve noticed but as soon as we check something of our list we tend to lose interest. We become complacent, as if that thing has now become a birthright of some sort. As if the mere fact of checking these important things of a list makes them ours forever. That’s it, we don’t need to do any more work. Nothing can take them away from us. Well, if there’s anything 2020 has been intent on making us realize is nothing is truly ours. Not our jobs, not our spouses, nor our lives or the lives of those close to us. This is not a news, of course, but we somehow manage to forget it.

One of my biggest flaw is that no matter what I’ve personally accomplished, I always tend to look at life from the point of view of what I don’t have, always looking at what’s missing. This year, I would like to be more grateful, more thankful for what I already have.

So instead of putting a check mark besides these most important parts of our life maybe we should instead put a note that reads “work in progress“…. That way, maybe we’ll remember to nurture and cherish them for what they truly are: Things that can disappear in the blink of an eye.

Marriage (check work in progress)

Children (check work in progress)

Promotion (check work in progress)

House (check work in progress)

What do you think? What are your goals for this new year?

Bisoux and Happy New Year to you. May you be blessed beyond measure.

Do our dogs behave exactly like us? A dog after my own heart…

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The most beautiful dog on earth according to its owner😉

Whenever me and dear husband have an argument I like to isolate myself until I calm down. That is until dear husband has had time to realize everything is his fault and I am a saint. Which doesn’t really take long considering the man is the only adult in the relationship.

So the other day I was talking to dear husband and he was like: “I think our dog is sulking again🙄”

Me: “Again?! All this dog do is sulk and fart”

Dear husband: “Yeah…Doesn’t that remind you of someone?”

Me: “Well, not really…I mean…”

Dear Husband: “You!”

Me: “Me!? Well, minus the farting part…I hope…”

No answer.

Me: ” I need you to answer this…like you need to reassure me there are more to our marriage than sulking and farting… although I do disown the last part…”

After having a good laugh at my expense he finally answered: ” Of course, honey…”

At this point my ego decided to believe him even though he didn’t look that convinced himself. Sometimes you just got to believe people for your own good, you know…😎.

But all things considered, Rhubarbe is truly a dog after my own heart and personality. We love hard but we sulk just as hard. We don’t hate because it causes wrinkle. We bitch a lot. It’s a way to get the venom out. Other than (all of that😋) we are adorable beings.

You can read more about Rhubarbe here: A new addition to the family

Bisoux and talk soon!😘🐍

How to get back in shape after the holidays: Take One

Last year right in the middle of quarantine, dear husband and I started limiting our carbs and eating mostly protein and veggies. With that, by mid-October I had already lost close to 18 pounds. I can’t even begin to tell you how proud I was of myself.

While most everyone around me were crumbling under insane amounts of weight gain with some even growing extra chins in the process; there I was, 15 pounds lighter, walking around like the last man standing. Naturally, what was bound to happen, happened. I became cocky…”

And so disturbingly so I became complacent. I started slipping and not the kind of slipping where you miss a step. No. The kind of slipping where you miss so many steps you can’t even retrace your steps. All this to say; I am back on the getting back in shape bandwagon and it’s not funny. It goes without saying that I am bitter as well 🙄

If I look intelligent, it’s because I am not breathing🤣

So, with that in mind, please allow me to serve as both a warning and a messenger of hope with a few advice to help you stay the course of getting back in shape. A few rules I try to follow whenever I am trying to get back on the weight loss bandwagon:

  1. Start right now! Do not wait for your fridge to be empty or your cook to die so you can be free from temptation. Start now.
  2. Start with exercise or diet? Just start with what’s easiest for you. For me it’s exercise but it does not have to be long. It could be just 20 or 15 or 10 minutes of a fitness video or a simple walk.
  3. Start small and build it up from there. The point is to get into the habit, not having result right away: One good thing I did right before the holidays was that I maintained or at least tried to maintain my exercise routine which was and still remains two sessions of weight lifting twice a week. Because I knew it was gonna be difficult getting back in shape after such a big slip and I didn’t want to find myself not only cleaning up my diet but also trying to get back to a new exercise routine.
  4. Redefine result: When we’re trying to lose weight, we tend to obsess over the scale and lose track of other measures of result. Replace the word result by improvement. Instead of keeping track of weight lost or gained, at first; keep track of improvements. A few other “measures of result” that we don’t often stop to realize are: Having a bit more energy, mood improving, sleep improving, more focus… so enlarge your definition of result. I know it’s difficult because when I first heard of that same thing I was like, who cares if I am sleeping well as long as I am skinny?🙄
  5. Start a journal to keep track of any positive things happening as a result of your new efforts.
  6. Give yourself 6 weeks to start seeing some improvement. Notice I did not say results but improvements. There is a difference.

Next week I will continue with other tips and let you know how I am personally failing at taking my own advice😅 and update you on my getting back in shape journal. If you have any other tips and experience, please comment below. I’d love to hear them!

Bisoux and talk soon:)😘🐍

When we worry about someone, is it really about them or us?

Rubarbe, our cute little English Bulldog ( A new addition to the family) was scheduled for a surgery last week. Stressful week, I tell you! I was consumed with worry so instead of admitting to myself I was worried sick and maybe help dear husband organize the logistics, yours truly hopped on her favourite soapbox and started re-enacting a very unconvincing version of a calm, keep-it-together-at-all-cost dog mom.😖

Situation number 1: Me; “Oh, look at my poor little doggy walking around with no idea what’s about to happen to her.”😥 Meanwhile poor little doggy is walking around being his ecstatic devilish self chasing the poor cat and literally biting the hell out of the hands that feed her…🙄.

Situation number 2: Me: Poor little doggy…it’s like she knows, you know. She must feel it somehow...” Meanwhile poor little doggy is scarfing down the entire content of her plate and growling because said plate is starting to look empty…probably forgetting she’s actually the one eating it.

Situation number 3: Me talking to little doggy: “Don’t worry mommy will be there to pick you up as soon as it’s over”. Meanwhile little doggy is mercilessly chewing on one of my socks…🙄.

Finally dear husband who’s been listening from the sideline the entire time finally reached the end of his rope and jumped in: “I am confused, are you trying to comfort the dog or yourself?” To which I answered: “To tell you the truth, I am as confused as you.”

As much as I hate to admit it, dear husband was right. I was sick with worry but instead of admitting it to myself and do something constructive I decided to bug little doggy with it. Which makes me wonder: Sometimes when we worry about people, do we worry about ourselves or them? Are we projecting our own worries onto them? Is that a way to show we care without taking any real, tangible action? Is there even such a thing as healthy worrying? Comment below.

To read more about Rubarb: Why my Instagram husband no longer takes my pics

Bisoux and talk soon:)😘🐍