I believe I was with dear husband when it happened…this episode will forever be inked in my memory…

I had been in the market for one of those long flowy and super elegant dresses. And yes, I am completely aware that I am using the same type of vocabulary one would use for a more serious purchase such as a house or car. I mean owning such dress would automatically qualify me for afternoon tea with the Gatsby’s. In fact I could already see myself lying on a chaise longue…sipping tea…and looking stylishly hungry from staring at all the pastries and not being able to grab one less I stop breathing altogether. Did I mention that I was a daydreamer…give me five minutes alone by a window and I can make myself believe I am the queen of England 🙂

So one day while mindlessly doing some window shopping with my very stressed and on-edge husband…he is starting to know me and my ‘’process’’. After close to 3 years of being together he knows that I never really plan on buying anything when all of a sudden I am carrying a bag full of clothes that I absolutely need and he is helping me pay because well… I don’t have enough. So  like I was saying…I was window shopping and I felt a sudden urge to go into one of the many vintage stores that populates the area. As soon as I set foot inside I immediately proceeded to grab a couple of items, mostly dresses with one in particular with exquisite bicycle motifs,  nipped at the waist….the type that flatters almost every silhouette. Armed with these goodies, I hopped into a changing room…threw myself into the said dress….BIG emotional moment here….THE DRESS fits perfectly…

http://gph.is/2a1sK82

It was as if there was a dress god and he had chosen me  as his sole representative on earth….

Excited beyond measure…I quickly come out to show dear husband. I May or may have not performed a little dance in the form of a mild twirl. Dear husband takes one look and immediately noticed a tiny tear in the material at the waist…men eh? I guess it is their practical side…anyways I can not even begin to tell you the disappointment. Believe it or not I did not look at dear husband with kindly eyes…before you judge just think how you would feel if you believed you’ve found your soulmate and all your best friend kept doing is pointing out his shortcomings. I almost wish dear husband was not present…because I would have at least had the pleasure of bringing the dress home and experience the pleasure, even brief, of owning it….

Since I am not one to be easily discouraged I rushed to the first sales clerk in view and asked if by any chance they would happen to have a similar dress style in stock. What followed was one of the most painful experiences of my life…she looked at me with absolutely no emotion in her eyes and granted me a resounding “No”. In that moment I regret not being a high-powered lawyer because I am sure I could have made a case for ‘’unemotional customer service’’. I sincerely think that sales clerk making these kind of announcements should go easy on customers and carry, at the very least, a cup of chicken soup…as a show of empathy. 

We left the store and I became mildly depressed for the rest of  the day. My poor husband could not understand. I had to explain myself….

Me: “I think I am having a bad day…”

Hubby: “!!??…Why?”

Me: “You don’t understand…this was THE dress..it only happens once in a lifetime…”

Hubby: “Until the next purchase…”

Me (talking to myself): “You see…I had already formed emotional attachment to the dress…..”

Hubby: “But you were only in there for a couple of minutes plus you had other items with you…”

Me: “You know what? I don’t know why I insist on explaining these things to you…”

But I am quite sure, you dear reader, could easily understand…it might not have happened with a dress but I am quite certain we’ve all lived through something like this…It would greatly comfort me to hear some of your stories as this would reassure me that I am a normal person….after all….:)

Bisoux!

Anybody who knows me knows that one of my favourite way to relax is to shop…I actually don’t have to bring home anything…just the mere fact of window shopping can, in itself, cure anything for me, which constantly puzzles my husband…

Me: (Gazing lovingly at an item, usually a piece of clothing)

Hubby (slightly annoyed): ”Well, instead of just aimlessly gazing at it, why don’t you save yourself time and ask a friend who bought it?”

Me: (horrified): ”Honey, my friends and I have decided a long time ago that we share the same taste in everything which frees us to buy whatever ridiculous item we want without any fear of judgement.”

Hubby: ”Which is why you don’t have many friends…”

Me:  ”Stop it! You’re intruding on my process…”

Hubby: ”Process!!??”

Hubby (scoffing): ”So, can you share your process and enlighten us mere mortals?”

Me (slightly amused and possibly on a warpath): ”Simple. I like it, I buy it.”

Hubby: ”Which would explain the many article of clothing still with the price tag on…”

You see…when my husband goes shopping, he turns the whole thing into a math homework. First of all there is the information gathering phase (notice the terms I used…this has nothing to do with joy). In this phase, he spends his time cornering…I mean downright pestering friends and family members with a list of questions and comparisons that would put a high-ranking Nazi general to shame. In fact, these exchanges sound like an interrogation session.

This phase also comprises all internet sites where the product is so much as mentioned. Then he physically goes into the shops to look at the item and pester a couple of sales clerk some more. I know what you’re thinking by now…but Miss ‘FFiles’ this seems like a man with a good head on his shoulder…well it is not. It would have been if this whole information gathering was immediately followed by a decision to either buy or not buy said item. BUT NOT AT ALL. Instead, now starts the grueling process of torturing both himself and his loving wife by coming up with all sort of reasons why he should not and can not buy whatever he’s planning on buying. I swear the guy turns the whole thing into a math homework. I suspect it is the phase he enjoys the most though.

As an example, this conversation happened after an intense shopping session during which I impulsively bought close to 10 pieces of ‘bare essentials’ at Aritzia, with hubby’s generous contribution. I somehow feel the need to mention that there was a big sale going on and also I get very impulsive when it is very cold. Blame it on the sale and the weather, not me.

So we’re shopping and we bought some stuff for myself and now it’s hubby’s turn to get that item he’s been dreaming of…

Here we  go:

Hubby: ”I don’t know if I should buy it…It is very difficult for me to buy stuff for myself…Plus I already have XYZ that does something similar…”

Me (falling into the trap like a wounded gazelle): ”Oh, C’mon now, you’ve been talking about this for so long …”

Hubby: ”Well, so much money..and let’s not forget we have XYZ bill coming up…”

Me: ”Yes but this money was part of your birthday gift…what’s the problem?”

Hubby: ”I don’t understand…it is so easy for me to buy stuff for the people I love though….”

Me: ”Well honey, in this case, I’ve been thinking…my new outfits need new shoes…we can always go back to the mall if that’s what’s blocking you…”

Hubby: ”C’mon..give me your honest opinion…”

Honest opinion!!?? How can I give him an honest opinion when I am literally being dragged down by a big bag of clothes he just bought me? So naturally, guilt forced me into being dishonest.

Me: ”Buy it! You deserve it!”

This goes on and on until, finally, he pulls out his cell phone, checks his bank balance, complains some more and then buys the item in question. Naturally, once he has the item in tow, buyer’s remorse kicks in immediately and we start the whole process once again. By now, you must be asking yourself why I do this to myself, why do I go shopping with him? Well, let’s just say I am good Samaritan and he is a generous contributor….

 

Hello guys!

Yes I know, I have the audacity to show up on this space as if I’ve been posting regularly like a successful blogger would. Before you guys start pulling out the pitchfork, please hear me out. It has been just plain crazy on my end. February especially was the second most stressful month of my entire life. I was getting ready for surgery to get multiple fibroid removed while trying to keep up with work. During this tornado, me being myself, I tried to act as cool and calm as a cucumber. Of course, I succeeded…which could explain in part why I collapsed big time after the surgery.

Staying in the hospital was quite challenging considering people would come at any time of night and day to poke and ask all sort of questions. I felt as if I had lost all sense of control. Right after the surgery, they gave me a morphine dispenser in the form of a little pump to help with pain management. Since the pump seemed the only thing I could control and considering I didn’t have have quite much in the form of amusement, I naturally became obsessed with it, pressing it literally every second even though I perfectly knew that it would only release the morphine every 7 minutes or so. Hubby was baffled. I even had to have a serious conversation with him about it:

Hubby: “You know that it’ll only give you morphine every 7 minutes or so, right?”
Me (slightly annoyed and on edge): “I know! Don’t you think I know?”
Hubby: “Then why are you pressing on it every second?”
Me (pressing on it with a vengeance): “Because it keeps me sane!”

Looking back I now realize how insane this must have sound. I clearly wasn’t thinking properly and I am thankful to hubby for showing up every day at the hospital even when he had serious doubt about my sanity.
While everybody else out there was worrying about meetings, deadlines and possibly world peace I was sitting in a hospital bed worrying about peeing and pooping…literally…never in my life have I talked about these bodily functions as much…every second a nurse would come in and inquire about whether or not I had accomplished one of the two. It basically felt like my life was resumed by these two basic human fonctions. When I finally was able to have a number two I waited for dear husband with great excitement to announce the news. Here is what followed (in essence):

Husband setting foot in the room…
Me (squealing with excitement): “Guess what?”
Hubby: “What?”
Me: “I just had a number two!”
Hubby: “!!??…Great!”
Me: “I am so happy right now!!…and the nurse is going to be happy too…you should go and check it out… It’s still there..”
(Unfortunately I then launched into an extensive description of the number two in question which I will spare you and during which dear husband tried to remained as calm as possible.)
Hubby: “Huh…I think I am good…but I should probably go and get rid of it….”
Me (Almost half screaming): “…No! Go and call the nurse now, she must see it!”
Hubby: “????…Well, I think she’ll believe you if you tell her in person…plus I’ll be your witness…”
Me (sincerely disappointed): “It is not the same thing…you know…”
Hubby: “!!!!?????”

Dear husband was surely thinking privately: ‘…but I was only gone for half an hour….it must be the morphine’.

Naturally I blame all of this on the morphine. As far as I am concerned pain can make you do a lot of crazy things. I also blame it on the weather and the ugly hospital gown.

I will spare you countless other episodes like these as well as the weeks of pain at home and the back and forth at the doctor’s office which followed the surgery. But all is well now, thank God. I am back at work and I am finally starting to feel like myself again. Talk to you next week and thank you so much for passing by!