THE MELTDOWNS

Now onto what I hope would be my last of wedding posts: THE MELTDOWNS

First of, ONE POSITIVE THING: I like to talk about the positives first. I always find it mean when someone enumerate a long list of negatives and then at the very end a tiny little positive:). So, at my bachelorette party, 80% of the people did not show up BUT a beautiful young woman showed up even though it was her last vacation day and she had young child at home! I have only seeing her socially about three or four times and when my niece called her she said yes she would come. I have had people that we’ve been seen socially for much longer come to me at the wedding and telling me that well I don’t know you much but…well what do you want? My panty size and my current weigh?!!??? Our photographer which I barely knew also showed up and she is such a nice all around person and so sweet! Such decent ladies! They remind me of myself:) SECOND POSITIVE: My niece was there and she was really sweet and patient with my sulking. My mother in law did her part too.

NOW I think that more than during any other time in life, during wedding season, emotions run high and I mean very, very high. There is something about weddings that bring the crying baby out of us! People who’ve been known for centuries as unmoving, unfeeling creatures (unfortunately I have to put my name on that list) start to, all of a sudden, experience an unusual thing called…emotion. When you come face to face with being human! You see I like to look cool, calm and collected. That’s my signature look. My entire closet is built around that look. My friends (which I don’t have many of right now…more on that later) and family were all chosen to go with that look. Now you’re probably thinking but you don’t choose your family. Oh yes you do! At least I do. That is one of the perks of being older. You know better than to open the door to that thing just because it says it is family.

Sooo, it is your wedding…you’ve earned it…you’ve turned yourself into a wonderful and loving woman…when that failed to get you the ring…you threatened the appropriate people and voila! You have the ring! You now have a wedding date; you can now start planning your wedding. You are now relaxed because well, you’re thinking I have made it…the worst is over…well, not exactly….

First on the list are close friends and family members! You’re thinking these people are happy for me, they are the ones who harassed me yearlong about getting married…they are the same one who call me every birthday to wish me happiness…they are here to celebrate with me…to make my pre-wedding life easier…which is true…in part…BUT. I feel like I should give you guys a little course in human psychology: Human beings don’t like changes, even if they are the ones who instigated those changes in the first place, and even if these changes are good for them (And yes I have to put my name on that list too which is a shame because I know the drill)!!! You have to understand that marriage is a life changing event. Your life will change but their lives will change as well as a result of your own life changing. One must also understand that people are going to be insecure. Some will even experience abandonment feeling. And when people are insecure there no telling what they will or will not do, what they will or will not say, all innocently of course. You will be shocked that people who are supposed to come and make your pre-wedding time easier will show up as teething toddlers and show astonishing talent in being party poopers. I have had people making so much fuss about what they will or will not wear that you could actually mistake them for the bride!??? I have had people talk about their divorce which happened 100 years ago, every single time I try to get into the wedding spirit…lol, warning me that it only last 7 years. Well, all I am saying is if like me you are blessed with highly spirited individuals (read pain in the ass) as family and friends, you best be on your guard! During the wedding you may have people that you feel…very…strongly about (you want to kill them), for those people try to spend the least amount of time possible with them.  If you have friends and family members with foot in mouth syndrome, make sure you are around to monitor their disease since people with this kind of disease are known to be especially…creative, for lack of a better word, during special occasions. I mean you’ve worked this hard to bring someone to the altar it would be a shame to have them run away after spending an afternoon with uncle foot-in-mouth and best friend bitter-bitch.

For my bachelorette party which was a real fiasco…I somehow found myself at a strip club with my mother in law and my niece. People kept looking at us and I don’t blame them. Between my mother in law who looks like an older version of Mary Poppins and my niece who looks like a child, I looked like a pimp…the worst kind of pimp, the one who recruits in elderly home and kindergarten. My mother in law looks so much like the good grandmother that you would actually let her feed candy to your child in an empty park dressed as a hooker! My niece was as excited as a kid locked up in candy store after hours with no adult supervision. First of all, when we got in, I got screamed at by a gorilla bursting out of a suit because I went in to grab a chair without having being led to it. The thing is I didn’t know that this was a restaurant which was a mistake on my part considering the availability of the merchandise on display. Young studs with bodies like well oiled machines rubbing themselves on hysterical women. I have seen some of the men move like snakes thrown in a fire pit. I did not know men could move like that. Unfortunately I could not enjoy it because I had mother in law on my right telling me about the last striptease she got and how the performer artfully managed the combination of a small towel and a big package….It was the most embarrassing moment of my entire life! My niece and a friend who was there kept urging me to get a lap dance but I didn’t. I could have but it is just that having a guy rubbing himself all over me with my mother in law looking in would be like doing a threesome with Mary Poppins and pikachu….somebody call the vice squad. Not gonna happen! When I got out there I was half blind by all the lights and in total shock. This was definitely not on my list of things to do before I die. It was more like great ancestor kill me now type of moment. Personally I would have preferred a spa day which I was in a great need of. So my advice is that make sure you tell people exactly what you want for your bachelorette party. Of course, most of them will not listen to you but hey it is worth a try.

My final advice would be to only invite people who have a life. Avoid if you can bitter people unless of course they are close family and friends. In this case monitor them…closely and don’t leave the groom alone with them…you never know 🙂 And if during the entire wedding season you have the impression that you are paying for something…you would be right. Yes! you are guilty! You are getting married, you are getting a life and people are not quite sure how they fit into all of that. And when you’re looking back at your meltdowns, remember that it is your wedding and you are allowed to make a fool of yourself in front of witnesses:) My behavior was so inconsistent pre-wedding season (I am pleading temporary insanity) that at some point I was afraid of never being a normal person ever again!

I think that this is the end of my wedding posts advice. If there is anything wedding-related that you would like to ask me, feel free. And if you would like to share your own wedding woes, I’d love to hear about it:)

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